By Nazmin Jahan
Hey girl, here you find yourself looking for some sort of understanding, acceptance, knowledge or perhaps even validation. There is no judgement here, this is a judgement-free zone. Let’s talk about being a brown girl, AKA a desi girl. As someone who was born and raised in England, I am so blessed to have had the opportunity to experience both the South Asian culture, and of course, the Western culture. Whilst these experiences were rich, with rules and expectations there is the side of growing up in a multi-cultural society we seem to never speak about but recognise as an never ending shadow that follows us everywhere.
Being raised in a proud desi family, one where everyone has a role, we have amazing food, get togethers, there is also the dark side that many of us are not comfortable to speak about. My goal is, let’s start the difficult conversations. There is so much we as girls and women are exposed to, whether that is traditional gender-roles prescribed to us at default by both or the whole nature vs nurture, ‘’this is always how it’s been’’ mentality. Do you find yourself over-stimulated, over-working, with an endless list of dreams and goals yet some feel so out of reach? Girl, you are not alone. As brown girls we are always taught that we are the maternal or too emotional human-being (both which are great roles) however despite these traditional roles being assigned to us, we are expected to achieve academically, earn money, drive a car to ensure our families have access to a vehicle (and you the designated driver), whilst it’s great taking on all these roles, let me ask you do you feel fulfilled? Are you genuinely happy at the end of the night? Did that make you uncomfortable? Good. Because it is now time to unlearn all these roles, unless you genuinely are happy and look forward to being the dutiful daughter, mother, sister and wife, let’s take a moment to unwind and look at why so many desi girls are exhausted. Exhaustion not only in the traditional sense but all the sad reality that most of us by the time we are in our early twenties feel like we have peaked at life, this is simply because we have taken on more than any child or teenager should. Instead of enjoying time out with friends, we were calling the doctor’s office or the tax department. No matter where you currently are in the world, did your heart ache a bit recognising this truth? It’s okay. I want you to know it is okay to have boundaries, to decide you no longer want to spread yourself thin because your parents sacrificed for you.
There is an immense guilt we are born with as brown girls, it begins from the moment we took our first breath and the realisation of the family that we were born the daughters instead of sons set the course known as our life. How many brown women do you know who are living the same life in different fonts? It heart-wrenching watching the women admire give and give with virtually nothing in return because that’s what expected of a woman, how many of us give up on love because our view on love is nothing like the movies? How many of us became zombies because we are surviving and not truly living life? It’s okay to book a spa day without having guilt over spending time with your family or thinking, “I should save this money for my younger sibling who can enjoy a cinema trip”. My good sister, who is reading my words, I promise you deserve a life where you can be stress-free even if it’s for a whole five minutes, which in our world seems almost impossible right? So how do you get out of this mode or mentality? It’s to make a promise to yourself that you will not allow our desi culture to dictate your life, you deserve to be more than the dutiful daughter or wife, you are someone before you become someone else’s. As brown girls we are taught to always give, giving can be good but in moderation, please stop giving yourself to people, whether that’s family members or lovers, at the expense of your own sanity and help because one thing our culture never taught us that it is okay to stop giving, it is absolutely okay to walk away and give yourself some love. Self-love we often hear about and see plastered everywhere, yet as brown girls that’s one thing we are never expected to perform. Despite being seen as the shame of the family for simply being born a woman, it seems our world asks far too much of us in comparison to the men in our lives, you’ve seen they can be a good son, good father, good husband and good brother, but we are taught we can only be one. How many of us have heard the phrases “she belongs to her husband now she is no longer ours”, as if we were toys that can be passed around, as if we cannot be both a good daughter and good wife. In a world that is determined to make decisions about our fate, I am here to tell you, it is your life. People will talk, don’t let the words of others become the prison of your life because you will never be in this world, in these circumstances again, you can only live for you, no matter how high the price feels. People will always talk, but you must remain true to who you are, live a life that you can be proud of, you can live beyond the ‘normalcy’ that has been forced onto us known as desi culture. Being the ‘good girl’ is only one perception, perceptions of others is not our end all. So, I hope, no matter what it is you do, whether it’s to get your nails done, or grab a cup of chai or even say “no, I am not available this week”. Pick you, choosing yourself is never an act of defiance (contrary to what we have been taught), and if they perceive it as such – that is the best kind of defiance.
All my love,
N
About the Author in their words: “My name is Nazmin, I have never published any of my writings or work because it is too personal. I have a brilliant career in law which I love and thoroughly enjoy. Writing has always been an outlet, one I have never admitted to publicly and now I am ready to explore the chance to share my words.”